just when things are looking good

My husband had 2 years of sobriety and we were doing a little better financially. I was still praying regularly, but still not giving in fully. It was during this time I was having a lot of unexplained pain in my body and feeling unhealthy. After a few trips to the ER with no answers , I went and had a full check up with my gynecologist. I wasn't too surprised when I got the call from the nurse informing me that my tests came back abnormal and I would need to come in for some biopsies. After I had some time to think about what this all meant, I prayed for God to heal me. I had been through so much pain already and I didn't think I could handle anymore. It was then that God spoke to me. He told me that He would heal me, but I was strong and had more to gain spiritually by going through harder times. At first I was grateful and thought as long as I wasn't going to die and leave my children, I could handle anything that came my way. After all God spoke to me!

I went into the Dr.'s office for my biopsies feeling confident. I left in pain and not having any answers. It would take 2 weeks to get the results. I returned in two weeks for my results. I was put in an exam room to wait for the Dr.. The nurse was quiet and when the Dr. walked in with her neither smiled or greeted me warmly. They explained that I had precancerous cells in my cervix and that I needed surgery as soon as possible to keep it from spreading and turning cancerous. I had no health insurance.

After the shock wore off the panic set in. I not only had to undergo a very unpleasant surgery, but I had to find a way to pay for it. Then after the surgery I still would be at high risk for cancer for the rest of my life. I was tired, week, angry. I didn't want to do this. Life wasn't fair. I had already gone through one painful experience after another. I was drained. I thought God was going to heal me. I must be just a sick joke for God's amusement. He loved everyone but me. Maybe my life had no value. All I had to offer anyone was pain and suffering. After a few months of paper work and waiting I get approved for cancer treatment funding. I had another few months to wait for surgery.

Exhausted and wanting to give up I started to pray again. I wanted answers to all my questions. Being quiet and alone in my room for most of every day, I received answers to all of my questions. Why didn't I have a relationship with my Dad? The answer was clear. I didn't put any effort into my relationship with him. I had exactly what I had given, close to nothing. Why did I get rejected by my church in my teen years? Churches are made up of humans fallible and sometimes weak. What did I have to offer? And God told me " I have given you great talents and you listened to the criticism of others instead of using them for Me." That was all I needed to know. I committed myself to God. I wasn't quite ready to join a church just yet. I prayed about it and again God spoke to me and let me know that is was okay for now.

I had my surgery and everything went well just as God had promised. I continued to pray regularly and read my Bible. Still not in a church, but searching for the right fit for me. About 4 months had passed and I still hadn't picked a church. I could feel that another hardship was just around the corner. My husband was slipping and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. I needed to be strong and I needed my children to have peace through what could be devastating to our family. Just when our situation was about to peek I received the encouragement that I desperately need. An old friend of my husband reunited with him. This friend had been a drug addict and was saved and now a minister. I told him about my search for a church and my fears from the past. He told me about the church that he was saved in and it was 5 minutes away. He said it might be a good fit for me.

After one visit to the church I knew it was the right one. It was perfect timing. My husband relapsed, it was a few weeks before Christmas, and we were broke. Through it all I had peace and remained strong for my kids. Then our lives started to change.