breaking apart

This might seem like a good place to say I fell on my knees and asked for forgiveness and filled the gaping hole in my heart with the love of Jesus. In order to do the will of God, self will needs to be broken. I was always strong willed to a fault.

I have not spoken fully, to anyone, about this part of my life. It is painful and I felt ashamed. But, if I don't speak about it at least briefly, you won't know how incredible God's grace really is. I won't tell every agonizing detail because I don't want to dwell too long on it. In only 3 months time, I was divorced, left everything I had, was separated from my 2 children, and was pregnant by another man. I had no home, no food, and what little money I had was stolen from me. I was completely destroyed and humbled. I can't explain where my head was during this time.

My parents were disgusted to say the least, but allowed me to come back home. There I got to be with my kids, and I went to church. I started to soften. I started to pray and listen. I still wanted to make everything right in my life. My mistake is the I part. Not God , but me. I asked for forgiveness for my sins, but I hadn't forgiven anyone that had hurt me. I was afraid to trust the people at church because of my past experience. I did want God in my life I just didn't know what that meant for me.

When I felt emotionally stable I found a place to live, and began to rebuild a life for myself. I married the father of my baby, and we began to build a new life together. It was a rocky time for us. Our start was bad, and both of us had resentments and pain we were not willing to let go of. The next 3 years of my life was a roller coaster of emotions. My husband was battling with soberiety and I was desperately trying to hold onto what little I had rebuilt for myself. When things were bad I blamed God and when I was desperate I called out to Him. I slowly started to open up to Him through lots of prayer and reading the Bible. Still, I put my will above His. Our lives were looking a little better every year, but we weren't living the life we should be.