nothingness...

It's funny how after awhile you no longer even think about God. By the time I was 19 I no longer went to church. I got married because I didn't know what else to do with myself. I filled my life with the things of the world and no longer felt guilt or shame for the things I was doing that I knew were wrong. If I did feel even slightly uncomfortable about my life, I could justify it. After all, the church threw me away, right? If God really cared he would have spared me all the difficult years I had.

This is how I lived for the next 10 years. I had 2 kids, owned a home, owned a business, and was financially comfortable. My marriage wasn't great, but I didn't really believe that any man would ever really love me anyway. I had my kids to love me. Anytime I felt lonely or empty I just pushed those feelings back. I didn't deserve any better. All I could do was raise my kids better, and make them feel loved.

By the time I was 30, I had been married for 11 years. I felt miserable. My husband had made huge mistakes with our money. I set aside all of my dreams and wants and had nothing to show for my life. I loved my kids, but I didn't feel like I was setting a good example for them. I didn't want them to grow up and marry the first person that met that seemed comfortable. I wanted them to find their talents and plan a life that was fulfilling. I had to make a change. I was desperate for a change. I wanted to break free.