It's funny how after awhile you no longer even think about God. By the time I was 19 I no longer went to church. I got married because I didn't know what else to do with myself. I filled my life with the things of the world and no longer felt guilt or shame for the things I was doing that I knew were wrong. If I did feel even slightly uncomfortable about my life, I could justify it. After all, the church threw me away, right? If God really cared he would have spared me all the difficult years I had.
This is how I lived for the next 10 years. I had 2 kids, owned a home, owned a business, and was financially comfortable. My marriage wasn't great, but I didn't really believe that any man would ever really love me anyway. I had my kids to love me. Anytime I felt lonely or empty I just pushed those feelings back. I didn't deserve any better. All I could do was raise my kids better, and make them feel loved.
By the time I was 30, I had been married for 11 years. I felt miserable. My husband had made huge mistakes with our money. I set aside all of my dreams and wants and had nothing to show for my life. I loved my kids, but I didn't feel like I was setting a good example for them. I didn't want them to grow up and marry the first person that met that seemed comfortable. I wanted them to find their talents and plan a life that was fulfilling. I had to make a change. I was desperate for a change. I wanted to break free.
breaking apart
This might seem like a good place to say I fell on my knees and asked for forgiveness and filled the gaping hole in my heart with the love of Jesus. In order to do the will of God, self will needs to be broken. I was always strong willed to a fault.
I have not spoken fully, to anyone, about this part of my life. It is painful and I felt ashamed. But, if I don't speak about it at least briefly, you won't know how incredible God's grace really is. I won't tell every agonizing detail because I don't want to dwell too long on it. In only 3 months time, I was divorced, left everything I had, was separated from my 2 children, and was pregnant by another man. I had no home, no food, and what little money I had was stolen from me. I was completely destroyed and humbled. I can't explain where my head was during this time.
My parents were disgusted to say the least, but allowed me to come back home. There I got to be with my kids, and I went to church. I started to soften. I started to pray and listen. I still wanted to make everything right in my life. My mistake is the I part. Not God , but me. I asked for forgiveness for my sins, but I hadn't forgiven anyone that had hurt me. I was afraid to trust the people at church because of my past experience. I did want God in my life I just didn't know what that meant for me.
When I felt emotionally stable I found a place to live, and began to rebuild a life for myself. I married the father of my baby, and we began to build a new life together. It was a rocky time for us. Our start was bad, and both of us had resentments and pain we were not willing to let go of. The next 3 years of my life was a roller coaster of emotions. My husband was battling with soberiety and I was desperately trying to hold onto what little I had rebuilt for myself. When things were bad I blamed God and when I was desperate I called out to Him. I slowly started to open up to Him through lots of prayer and reading the Bible. Still, I put my will above His. Our lives were looking a little better every year, but we weren't living the life we should be.
I have not spoken fully, to anyone, about this part of my life. It is painful and I felt ashamed. But, if I don't speak about it at least briefly, you won't know how incredible God's grace really is. I won't tell every agonizing detail because I don't want to dwell too long on it. In only 3 months time, I was divorced, left everything I had, was separated from my 2 children, and was pregnant by another man. I had no home, no food, and what little money I had was stolen from me. I was completely destroyed and humbled. I can't explain where my head was during this time.
My parents were disgusted to say the least, but allowed me to come back home. There I got to be with my kids, and I went to church. I started to soften. I started to pray and listen. I still wanted to make everything right in my life. My mistake is the I part. Not God , but me. I asked for forgiveness for my sins, but I hadn't forgiven anyone that had hurt me. I was afraid to trust the people at church because of my past experience. I did want God in my life I just didn't know what that meant for me.
When I felt emotionally stable I found a place to live, and began to rebuild a life for myself. I married the father of my baby, and we began to build a new life together. It was a rocky time for us. Our start was bad, and both of us had resentments and pain we were not willing to let go of. The next 3 years of my life was a roller coaster of emotions. My husband was battling with soberiety and I was desperately trying to hold onto what little I had rebuilt for myself. When things were bad I blamed God and when I was desperate I called out to Him. I slowly started to open up to Him through lots of prayer and reading the Bible. Still, I put my will above His. Our lives were looking a little better every year, but we weren't living the life we should be.
just when things are looking good
My husband had 2 years of sobriety and we were doing a little better financially. I was still praying regularly, but still not giving in fully. It was during this time I was having a lot of unexplained pain in my body and feeling unhealthy. After a few trips to the ER with no answers , I went and had a full check up with my gynecologist. I wasn't too surprised when I got the call from the nurse informing me that my tests came back abnormal and I would need to come in for some biopsies. After I had some time to think about what this all meant, I prayed for God to heal me. I had been through so much pain already and I didn't think I could handle anymore. It was then that God spoke to me. He told me that He would heal me, but I was strong and had more to gain spiritually by going through harder times. At first I was grateful and thought as long as I wasn't going to die and leave my children, I could handle anything that came my way. After all God spoke to me!
I went into the Dr.'s office for my biopsies feeling confident. I left in pain and not having any answers. It would take 2 weeks to get the results. I returned in two weeks for my results. I was put in an exam room to wait for the Dr.. The nurse was quiet and when the Dr. walked in with her neither smiled or greeted me warmly. They explained that I had precancerous cells in my cervix and that I needed surgery as soon as possible to keep it from spreading and turning cancerous. I had no health insurance.
After the shock wore off the panic set in. I not only had to undergo a very unpleasant surgery, but I had to find a way to pay for it. Then after the surgery I still would be at high risk for cancer for the rest of my life. I was tired, week, angry. I didn't want to do this. Life wasn't fair. I had already gone through one painful experience after another. I was drained. I thought God was going to heal me. I must be just a sick joke for God's amusement. He loved everyone but me. Maybe my life had no value. All I had to offer anyone was pain and suffering. After a few months of paper work and waiting I get approved for cancer treatment funding. I had another few months to wait for surgery.
Exhausted and wanting to give up I started to pray again. I wanted answers to all my questions. Being quiet and alone in my room for most of every day, I received answers to all of my questions. Why didn't I have a relationship with my Dad? The answer was clear. I didn't put any effort into my relationship with him. I had exactly what I had given, close to nothing. Why did I get rejected by my church in my teen years? Churches are made up of humans fallible and sometimes weak. What did I have to offer? And God told me " I have given you great talents and you listened to the criticism of others instead of using them for Me." That was all I needed to know. I committed myself to God. I wasn't quite ready to join a church just yet. I prayed about it and again God spoke to me and let me know that is was okay for now.
I had my surgery and everything went well just as God had promised. I continued to pray regularly and read my Bible. Still not in a church, but searching for the right fit for me. About 4 months had passed and I still hadn't picked a church. I could feel that another hardship was just around the corner. My husband was slipping and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. I needed to be strong and I needed my children to have peace through what could be devastating to our family. Just when our situation was about to peek I received the encouragement that I desperately need. An old friend of my husband reunited with him. This friend had been a drug addict and was saved and now a minister. I told him about my search for a church and my fears from the past. He told me about the church that he was saved in and it was 5 minutes away. He said it might be a good fit for me.
After one visit to the church I knew it was the right one. It was perfect timing. My husband relapsed, it was a few weeks before Christmas, and we were broke. Through it all I had peace and remained strong for my kids. Then our lives started to change.
I went into the Dr.'s office for my biopsies feeling confident. I left in pain and not having any answers. It would take 2 weeks to get the results. I returned in two weeks for my results. I was put in an exam room to wait for the Dr.. The nurse was quiet and when the Dr. walked in with her neither smiled or greeted me warmly. They explained that I had precancerous cells in my cervix and that I needed surgery as soon as possible to keep it from spreading and turning cancerous. I had no health insurance.
After the shock wore off the panic set in. I not only had to undergo a very unpleasant surgery, but I had to find a way to pay for it. Then after the surgery I still would be at high risk for cancer for the rest of my life. I was tired, week, angry. I didn't want to do this. Life wasn't fair. I had already gone through one painful experience after another. I was drained. I thought God was going to heal me. I must be just a sick joke for God's amusement. He loved everyone but me. Maybe my life had no value. All I had to offer anyone was pain and suffering. After a few months of paper work and waiting I get approved for cancer treatment funding. I had another few months to wait for surgery.
Exhausted and wanting to give up I started to pray again. I wanted answers to all my questions. Being quiet and alone in my room for most of every day, I received answers to all of my questions. Why didn't I have a relationship with my Dad? The answer was clear. I didn't put any effort into my relationship with him. I had exactly what I had given, close to nothing. Why did I get rejected by my church in my teen years? Churches are made up of humans fallible and sometimes weak. What did I have to offer? And God told me " I have given you great talents and you listened to the criticism of others instead of using them for Me." That was all I needed to know. I committed myself to God. I wasn't quite ready to join a church just yet. I prayed about it and again God spoke to me and let me know that is was okay for now.
I had my surgery and everything went well just as God had promised. I continued to pray regularly and read my Bible. Still not in a church, but searching for the right fit for me. About 4 months had passed and I still hadn't picked a church. I could feel that another hardship was just around the corner. My husband was slipping and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. I needed to be strong and I needed my children to have peace through what could be devastating to our family. Just when our situation was about to peek I received the encouragement that I desperately need. An old friend of my husband reunited with him. This friend had been a drug addict and was saved and now a minister. I told him about my search for a church and my fears from the past. He told me about the church that he was saved in and it was 5 minutes away. He said it might be a good fit for me.
After one visit to the church I knew it was the right one. It was perfect timing. My husband relapsed, it was a few weeks before Christmas, and we were broke. Through it all I had peace and remained strong for my kids. Then our lives started to change.
out with the old life, in with the new
When I look back at my life now I don't feel angry or resentful anymore. My past serves as a daily reminder of how forgiving our Heavenly Father is. He is so great that He sent His one and only Son to die for everyone's sins. Every human that came before me and every human that is yet to be born. We are all sinners and yet our sins were paid by one , Jesus. I also look back and see how God kept me safe through all of the bad times. I couldn't feel Him because I was too self indulged, but He was there. I turned from Him, but He never left me. He had a greater purpose for my life. I am still waiting patiently for His guidance everyday, but I don't worry about my future now. My future is in His hands and the uncertainty of life doesn't concern me anymore.
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